The loss

Me and my best g-friend are reunited in München after years of living in different cities. December 2020, second wave, lockdown, curfew after 9 pm. We were not even allowed to meet according to the rules.

We both did not care, hungry for connection, gossip time, drinks, Russian salad and Особенности национальной охоты в зимний периуд. Все серии. I knew she is more discreet and sensitive, more introverted than me. Talking about sex was not a common thing in our friends’ circle. But I just had a terrible divorce, she had it 2 years ago, and we were hitting the pain point in every sentence.

Somewhere between the European Christmas and New Year, we’ve installed all dating apps that were in the appstore! Including “my catholic penpal”. We were fresh, a bit naive, and a little desperate.

We have bumbled around, teasing, comparing, and having the time of our life. Swipe left, swipe right, repeat. Constantly discussing and exchanging the pics, I could not focus on work or on anything else. Tinder, Bumble, and Whatsapping with her have totally consumed my focus, attention, and energy.

I went on a few dates between Christmas and New year. I had sex with one guy, he was younger than me, hot body and curls. We had sex non-stop, he could go on for hours. My sex hunger was far from being satisfied, but it was a start. I had a feeling I am getting alive, back to sexy-me, crazy-me, teen-me.

I did not even think to hold this wonderful progress news from her. We talked about everything, in detail. Not sure if it was already too much for her, was she jealous? Was she heart? She did not give me a sign to stop, we continued swiping, teasing and planning a double date. We have even talked about a threesome.

On New Year Eve I was so hooked up with the idea that “if you don't have sex no the new year’s night — no sex all year”, that when he came over to my place around 5 am, I had a feeling I just won a lottery. The party was over, and we were almost in bed anyway. It was just for sex, no socializing, no introducing him to friends or to her. Maybe that was a mistake, hard to say now.

I have asked her to sleep in another room, unlike the nights before, when we were sleeping together and talking all night. She did not take it well. She went to sleep in the room neighboring my bedroom. I keep asking myself, at what point did it all become too much? Was it the sounds of sex behind the wall or even the fact of me fucking the guy? Was it a mistake to ask her to get out of my bed? Would the threesome work out better than this?

Of course, we all were a bit drunk. It was the 31st December, illegal party, friends, lots of martinis and 20-s outfits. She was incredibly sexy, with her curls and black stockings. If I could get back to that night, I am not sure what would I change to make it right with her. I have the feeling nothing would work and this girl-union was too fragile to last at such an intense level.

She has not talked to me ever since. I felt heartbroken, lonely, and frustrated. Losing her was so unexpected, so painful… The guy stuck around for a couple more weeks and I let him go as well. He was somewhat toxic.